Desperation is a scary place to be. On your last outcropping, holding on with the last fraction of your strength, finally realizing that you are out of options and that your best was not good enough, that is frightening. And that is often the place where I find Jesus. I don’t imagine that is the plan that God had in mind.
Living in such a way where we intentionally lean out in faith, take uncomfortable steps, and live lives dependent on Christ is different than living a life on our own and finding ourselves in that desperation place. More often than not I find myself there rather than place myself there and I hate it.
I desire a heart that beats in Gods rhythm and a mind that walks in his steps, I really do. I love Christ with all I have but still manage to walk apart from him even when deep down that is the last thing I want. There is a self reliance that I need to abandon but can’t until its too late. When trouble strikes, I want the first place I go to be on my knees before my savior but oftentimes it is into my own mind and onto my own plans instead.
Thankfully Jesus is always waiting when I turn around and run to him. He never fails, never leaves, never rejects. He is always there and full of grace, I only wish I didn’t need it so much, which is my problem from the start.
My most baffling and present sin is a dependence on me rather than on my Father in heaven. I pray that The Lord would continue to wash my pride away and teach me to chase him passionately. I know my best is junk and His is perfection. Now if only I can put my junk down and stay focused on his perfection.