Darkness, Go Away!

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I hate this feeling. It’s way down in my gut and feels like it’s tugging on my rib cage and vocal cords, pulling them downward. My throat has a lump in it and my eyes are wet and bloodshot. The muscles in my back are tight and ache.
It’s here again, the darkness. It sneaks in without warning and stays as long as it likes. It can show up when I am laying alone in bed or when I am at a party with friends. The circumstances don’t really matter, it just arrives.
I breathe in deeply and out with a long sigh. The therapist said it might help. It doesn’t but I do it anyway.
“When did I take my medication?”, I ask myself. Even when my dark visitor is not with me I ask myself the question a million times a day. I’m afraid of him. I want him gone. I’ve convinced myself that the meds help. They don’t but I take them anyway.
I weep. I feel like an idiot. I feel weak. I pray. I think of my wife and kids.
I don’t want to be “that guy”, whoever he is. The one people whisper about. I don’t want to be thought of as untrustworthy or crazy or insufficient. “I am a good guy. God loves me. I’m intelligent and insightful. I can be counted on and respected” I repeat over and over to myself until I question the humility that I desire and feel guilty that I may be prideful. The darkness wins again.
Scripture swirls in my mind. I know truth but it isn’t setting me free. The battle rages.
“It’s all surface, I can still perform” I repeat.
Somehow I think that if I can only shine enough a door will open, but it never does.
I’ve done what it says, what they say, where are results? Are they so different? Better even? I don’t know. Darkness.
I won’t keep it in, someone needs to know. Someone is suffering just like me and I won’t let this pain go unused.
“Hey you, it’s ok. I know how you feel. I feel it too. You are not alone.”
It’ll get better. I am not alone. I am loved. My worth, faith, ability, is not dictated by whatever this might be. I’ll keep on keepin on.

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2 responses to “Darkness, Go Away!

  1. This made me weep. Because I know this and hate you know it, too. Because if I’m honest sone days I want to think I’ve beaten it but there it is. Because my sorrow seems just below the surface. Because your words helped me, made me feel less alone. Thank you for posting this transparent, honest, and vulnerable reality. When I see it so aptly articulated by someone else, I can see strength in the midst of what feels like weakness when I can’t put words to what is inside of me. I am grateful.

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